Usenet Writings

Optional Thank You Notes?

Can you waive the requirement?

©1994 Beth Weiss, Posted to misc.kids.pregnancy Usenet newsgroup, November 14, 1994

One isn't supposed to tie the giving of a gift with a thank you note, or the receiving of a gift with a thank you note, so one can't "waive notes" when giving a gift or otherwise make reference to the thank you note as if it's a requirement.

The note is a requirement, but it's like giving someone a gift if you go to their wedding.  They invite you because they want you to share their special day.  You send a gift because you are so happy for them and want to add to their joy.  Then they send a thank you note because they are so touched by your thoughtfulness.

The fact that etiquette calls for a gift if you attend (not are invited to) a wedding, on the theory that if you like the couple enough to attend you like them enough to give them a gift, and then etiquette requires that you thank them for it, doesn't mean that any of this is explicitly spoken.  The wedding couple can't ask for a gift, and the giver can't demand a thank you note--they're just both customary and expected.